Life...

So it's been a really long time since I've posted on here...there's so many feelings and things that have happened since my last post. Today though has been essentially hard to want to get up and even do anything. Despite the weather or the huge pile of laundry needing to be washed and clothes being put away. So a little update on my life first of all is that I am working two jobs right now. I work at an elementary school as a reading coordinator to help kids who aren't reading at grade level. I also got my first official CNA job which is quite exciting. It had been about three years since I had stopped working in the nursing field and boy have I missed it. I also registered for school so I can take my prerequisites for the LVN program. I will be doing school over the summer so I won't be so overwhelmed. I think once I get my LVN I want to work at a school as a Nurse. I know it might be in a while but I won't give up. Honestly though I feel like we as human beings don't give ourselves enough credit for how much we go through. We each have our own past and struggles but we all have our own goals and dreams. Everyone can have a the same set goal, but only we know what we have to endure and work on to be able to reach our goal. The struggles that I am going through won't be the same struggles as another classmate. We need to give ourselves credit for each stepping stone we've achieved towards our final goal. I know my journey won't be easy and I will have to make several sacrifices, but up until now I have already realized I'm much stronger than what I thought I was. Give yourself the credit you deserve and be glad you've gotten so far. I just don't know how I'm expected to live the rest of my life missing my beautiful daughter. There is not a day that goes by where I think how I wish she could be here right now. There's people who I wish she could meet, and even classmates who still ask about her to this day. There's happy moments that I wish I could physically share with her because I know she's near in spirit but it's not the same. Her brothers that want to know if they're doing or acting just the way she was at that age, and surprisingly they do remind me so much of her at such random times. It's crazy how after you've been through so much loss you are always wondering or taking things to extreme measures. I always fear that I might not be able to see any of my kid live past the age of five. I really hope that's not the case but it is a fear that I have. I want to be able to see my kids grow up, graduate, get a career that they genuinely love, and have a family of their own. I know they are young now but I am doing my best for them. Their happiness is my priority and making sure that they know and feel how much I Love them. Crazily enough Enrique my four year old just got in his head that he wants to go to New York City. It's crazy because that had always been one of my brothers goal before he passed. I am so excited that they are wanting to travel. I know that I am going to try my best so that we can get to travel as a family. These two boys are what keeps me going and want better for myself. I know they don't have the easiest life ever but I know they appreciate and are very thankful for everything that we do for each other. So I guess I will get up and make the best of today with them. Thank you for reading my posts this has helped me so much when I just need to write and pour my feelings out. Love your family and enjoy the little moments in life! Happy Saturday 🙂

Holidays...

Honestly this month has just started and I already am dreading Christmas time and New Years. I seriously feel so depressed about this whole month. It's so crazy to think that it's already going to be a year without my princess by my side. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her or picture her personality around what we're doing. Thanksgiving we drove up to Arizona it was a very great Thanksgiving with the while family but its si craxy to see how few of us are here. We are such a big family with so much love and the three angels that left us all too soon left a big void in my heart. While we were in Arizona I could just picture her running around playing with her cousins. She loved visiting Arizona and she would always stay awake through the whole five hour drive. We were always welcomed with such open arms that she would always want to go back. I know she was there in spirit making sure we all made good memories. I have came to the realization that you can't rush into a relationship when you are still hirting from the past. No matter how strong others think you are only you as a person know how you truly are feeling. All the pain and sorrow isn't good to be bottled up. Sometimes you just have to let it all out and cry. I honestly wish I can vanish for two months and then resume back with my life as if nothing has happened. My two boys are so excited for Christmas and I can't find it in myself to gather up the strength to be as joyous and excited as them. I honestly feel like I'm Scrooge without the bad attitude but more the feelig of not liking Christmas. I honestly hope you all enjoy amazing family times through the holidays and just remember to love others and tell all your family how much you love them.

Legacy...

Hey guys so I know I've been MIA for a while but now I'm back. With my schedule being so busy I end up so tired at night but I've had several ideas for writing prompts that I need to get back to it. First off lets start off asking what legacy will you be leaving behind of yourself & for your loved ones?  Have you guys ever thought what will I be remembered for? What will those last words sitting on your grave marker reflect about you. Well I came across this thought thinking of how things change. Family changes and so do traditions that you once had. Well let me tell you that if you want to see something changed or different sometimes you have to be the one to start that change. I remember when I was younger all our family would have big parties every holiday and we would run around and play with all our cousins all day & night. Now it's a rare occasion in which we all reunite. Our kids hardly know some of their cousins and I do not like that at all. There has to be a change right there. Something must be done so that tradition of unity among our family can remain strong. I want to be remembered as a dedicated mother, no matter what I do I will always put my kids feelings & best interest first. I love my family and I hope to make them proud one day. I will try my best to be the best person that I can not only for my kids but for myself as well. I want to be considered a great friend. If anyone is ever in need or needs a shoulder to lean on I want them to be able to think of me. I will be there no matter the time of day I will be available to listen to any worries or to give any advice. I'm glad to say that for the five short years Elizette was born she had such an impact that even to this day I am amazed at how many people's lives she touched. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her presence, but it goes to show that even little children can have such a big impact on people's lives. Big or small people everywhere that had the chance  to meet her and interact with her always had good things to say about her. I know that I will try my best to raise my boys to be gentlemen and good citizens for this world. I may not always succeed but I will never give up on them no matter what.

Unanswered questions...

What unanswered questions, if any, do you have about your child's passing?
I have so many unanswered questions that I don't even know where to start. First off is if she suffered during her death I can't imagine what she must've felt. I often question if I could have done more to help her. I wonder what the actual cause of the fire was. We never got a concrete answer of what started the fire that morning. I question if we would have stayed up longer if we would all have gotten out safe. It's still crazy to think that we had only been sleeping for two hours before the fire broke out. I myself often wonder why I was the first one to wake up especially since I'm the heaviest sleeper out of our family. Although that has now changed since the accident. I also wonder if we had woken up sooner or reacted differently if the outcome would have been different. There are so many unanswered questions & sometimes thinking about them all is no good for me. It puts me back into that night makes me feel the same panic & worry all over again. It makes me feel like a failure for not being able to withstand the smoke to help them get out to safety. I know I did everything I could but sometimes I wonder if I would have gone past the person holding me back if I would have been successful in rescuing my baby girl. So many questions that I will never know the answers to. These questions might haunt me for a while if I let them. I try not think about that night but rather the days before the accident. After the accident I'm trying to cope as best as I can with life. It's sad to say that one has been traumatized with that incident. The smell of fire hits my nose and the first alert is to rush to my kids and make sure I can protect them. I know my life along with that of my children and family will never be the same.

Finding joy...

What things are you still able to find joy in?

In all honesty I still find joy in all our memories & times shared as a family. There are alot of things in which we all did as a family along with my siblings. Although at times it hits me hard to realize that her vivacious personality is definitely missed I know she is there with us. I find joy in sharing her life stories with others. Sharing stories that only we would know. Or even in listening to stories that others would shade about her to us. Just this past week an old classmate shared with me that where she works she works with students that went to Elizettes school and one student shared to her that she was missing Elizette but she knew she was an angel and taking care of everyone at Felicita school. She then went on to tell me that the student said she missed how Elizette always made her feel better no matter what and her kindness. This brought tears to my eyes but at that moment she made me so proud to be her mom. To know that my daughter made such an impact on someone and left behind her kindness and being able to make people feel good. Stories like that bring me joy. Also watching old videos in which I can hear her laugh or see her smile bring me joy. Many would think it's painful to watch but no I love looking back at all the memories we made together. At times when I see a butterfly I am also filled with joy because I often say that it's her watching over me. I see her as the most beautiful butterfly soaring over us and making sure we know that she is there. I find joy in the small things of life and take in every little thing from my kids. Last night I felt as if she was with us as I played with her brothers and the laughter I heard from them I felt as if she was there laughing along with us. It's little things that will slowly ease my grief it won't take it away, but it will make it that much easier to survive her death.
I'm sorry that I haven't been so persistent with writing everyday I promise you all I will get back to it. Enjoy your family this weekend and make unforgettable memories. Live life to the fullest because we only have one life to live.

Hard Days...

Ok so I know that majority of the time I may seem to be fine. There are days where although I carry a smile on my face I am aching in deep pain. Many times it is hard to express your grief by sadness because we are trying to be strong for others. I myself try to remain strong for my kids and my mother. In all honesty for about a month or two I wanted to know nothing or do nothing with anybody. If I had the choice to sleep all day and not even eat I would take it. It was not like that due to the fact that I had my two little boys who depend on me fully. Although I am in a much better place than I was before there are times where I feel like everything is just way too much. As if I am doing and going for everyone else but not because of my desires. There are times where I just want to enjoy my long shower so I can release the tears behind closed doors but that doesn't happen either. Yet I want to thank each and every one of my friends for each text that I receive or direct message to check how I'm doing. I know life is not easy without my baby girl but she makes sure that I'm surrounded by many loving friends so I may never be alone. I know she makes sure to keep her brothers full of energy so I can stay on my toes and alert to keep them busy. My kids are my motivation through it all. Thank you to my friends and family that let me hug & play with your children it helps me so much more than you will ever know. Smile more and judge less because everyone is facing a different struggle in their life each day. Love you all.

Grief response...

Are you doing anything unhealthy in response to grief or are you tempted to?

I'm going to be very honest I have had one rough time in which I resorted to try and drink my problems away. It was no fun at all and nothing I was proud of. I have now realized that by drinking it won't take any problems or stress away. It will just make me not feel or think about them at the moment and that's no help. I have also been tempted to get a tattoo in remembrance of my daughter. I instead am looking into ideas on how to decorate my room to still make her presence be here with us. I know that neither of those things will bring her back so for me it's pointless to go out and do that. Instead I decided to start playing soccer again & I'm keeping myself busy with school & work. I am also staying busy by making sure I take my boys out often to get distracted and tired. I also wanted to let you guys know I will be writing my blog Monday through Friday only so I can focus on my kids on the weekends. I am so busy during the week that I want to dedicate the weekends to them. This past weekend I took them to Lakeshore for a few hours & boy did they love it there. We stopped by the cemetery because to be honest it had been a while since we had been there and it was very nice. On Sunday we listened to conference and ate spaghetti. We then went to the park in the afternoon for my soccer game. It was alot of fun to be back out on the field playing. Our team didn't win but I think we did very well for a group of girls who have never played together.