My Faith...

This post has to do with my Faith. I know for some it's a touchy subject, but I must share. In December of 2014 was when my Faith was put on trial. I can still remember this day as if it was yesterday when I found out that my dear brother had passed away. My heart ached with such tragic news I didn't want to believe it. My first thought was "why him?" at that point of his life he was ready to start so many new ventures with cooking. As a family we remained strong and firm within our Faith because we knew for a fact that we would see him again. Fast forward to December of 2016 and boy was my Faith put on trial even more. Despite the fact that we already had a bad omen with the month of December. We were hit again & this time much harder. My daughter Elizette & another dear brother of mine Diego. At this point I really broke down. I wasn't sure what I was doing wrong as a human being that I deserved such a horrible loss. I did loose myself for about a month or two wondering why I had to go through so much suffering. I almost wanted to just give up on life. Within our religion it's believed that we are granted our kids to be able to teach them of God & guide them within his footsteps. When I lost my daughter it made me feel as if I was failing as a mother maybe that's why she was no longer with me. It honestly hurt to know that I was no longer able to have her here on earth with me. Right now I am trying to get myself to strengthen my own Faith. I know that I'm not perfect and I am striving to be a much better mother, daughter, sister, and friend. Life can get overwhelming at times especially when we're faced with challenges. All I can say is that when we face those challenges no matter how strong your Faith might be we might feel a little lost. Just know that what I've learned is that we are never alone if anything I know God hears our prayers. When you feel the need to reach out to him do it. Not just to ask for things but also to be thankful. When the accident struck our home I forgot to give thanks at the fact that the outcome could've been much worse. At that point I was thankful to know that we were being looked after. My Faith also grew when the whole community without knowing us joined forces to gather stuff for us. To see how big of a community out pour of caring for our family was amazing. The fact that we were and are never alone through this difficult time is a blessing in itself. Thank you to all friends and family for always being there. Those simple checking in on us to see how we're doing are a blessing to us. To my friends and family I want to ask how are you guys doing? If there's ever anything you need feel free to come to me. I know life can get busy and we don't reach out as often but know I am here for each and everyone of you no matter what. Have a blessed Sunday.

Difficult changes

This post has to do with the question of: What do you now find difficult to do that you didn't before you lost your child? I'm sure just like every family everyone has a particular bedtime routine. Well I considered myself horrible at bedtimes because we wouldn't and still don't have a set time in which we had to be in bed by. The one thing which even up to this day I find so hard to do is read my boys a bedtime story. It used to be such an enjoyable family moment where we would all lay in bed together and share that time together. Every night either Elizette or Enrique would choose a book out of the many we had & we would read. I still remember during the week that we were staying in the hospital we slept in a hotel one night. I remember Enrique handing me a book & asking me to read it. Even before he asked I could feel my eyes fill with tears & all I could do was hug him & cry. That had become our routine & his feeling of safety or normality. That night I just remember telling him that I was sorry but I couldn't read the story. I told him we could look through the pictures and see what it was about. I try my best to push myself to get back into this routine,but for now it is an obstacle that I haven't yet been able to overcome. One other thing which has been very difficult for me to enjoy doing now that I used to enjoy before is birthday parties. I remember there was so much excitement and hard work being put into all the ideas. Making candy bags was a process like if we had our candy bag factory. We would line up all the candies and form a line & we would just send the bag down the line with everybody putting one to two candies into the bag. We would finish so fast & it was so much fun to do this as a family. Just to see the excitement in their faces was amazing. It was not an easy task when Ethan's birthday came around to gather the strength to celebrate a birthday party. It wasn't an easy task to do especially when they cancelled the use of the community room the week of the party. I am glad to say I was able to get through that obstacle & just in the blink of an eye am now faced with planning another birthday party soon. My kids have and will always be my pride & joy this is why I am trying so hard to be strong through these difficult obstacles that I'm faced with. Enjoy the little things in life because they will bring you the greatest joy. Kids want and need our time and undivided attention they are not interested in the latest trend toy as much as making memories with their parents. Love your kids & enjoy whatever routine or special bonding time you've created with them. They will always love thinking back to those memories. 

Personal Growth

There have been several things which I have learned about myself while going through this tough loss. I want to go back to the beginning of December which was when I actually encountered my first loss. In the beginning of the month my picture perfect family was no more. The person who I gave the best of myself for ten years was no longer there. At this moment I honestly felt as if there was no possible way to keep going. How was I going to get by raising my three kids on my own. I was in denial for a few weeks thinking that things might change. I still had hope that my family would eventually come together the way I always wanted. Towards the middle of the month I was faced with the most heartbreaking questions every night from Elizette in regards to the separation. I told her numerous amounts of times that regardless if her parents where together or not we both loved her so much & she understood. It was so heartbreaking to see her own personality change in just that short month. My once social and friendly butterfly started changing into a quiet and isolated little girl. She was hurting from the same situation as I was. Then came the worst day of my life. The day which changed my life into a never ending nightmare. Wishing I could go back even if it was to the previous twenty four hours before the accident. To see that I am still standing and trying to survive the loss of my daughter is a miracle in itself. I have proved to myself that I am definitely a much stronger person than I believed myself to be. I have also learned to start loving myself again. Through the time I was married to when I had kids I realized I had lost some character traits which made me be different. So in these past nine months I've tried to regain my self love. Look into the things which make me be genuinely happy. Things which interest me and are beneficial without disregarding the fact that I am still a mother. One thing which I am very proud of starting back up is my schooling. I had put my school on hold since I had Elizette and I am halfway through with my CNA course. I am very excited to finally start on the journey to my dream job. It is a bittersweet feeling as I would have wished to share this accomplishment with all my children. I know that Elizette is cheering me on and anxiously waiting to see me accomplish one of my many goals. I know this journey will not be easy but I have already amazed myself in how strong I am learning to be. Yes, it is a process of learning. A process to learn how to keep going & how to find meaning in even the slightest of things. A process of taking all the hard tribulations as lessons learned and a process of making the best of every day. We never know how much time we have here on earth. If there's something we want in our lives we need to make the necessary adjustments to be able to accomplish those goals. I know I will make all my children proud as I try to better myself each and every day not just for them but for myself as well. Love yourselves so that you may be able to love others.