My Faith...

This post has to do with my Faith. I know for some it's a touchy subject, but I must share. In December of 2014 was when my Faith was put on trial. I can still remember this day as if it was yesterday when I found out that my dear brother had passed away. My heart ached with such tragic news I didn't want to believe it. My first thought was "why him?" at that point of his life he was ready to start so many new ventures with cooking. As a family we remained strong and firm within our Faith because we knew for a fact that we would see him again. Fast forward to December of 2016 and boy was my Faith put on trial even more. Despite the fact that we already had a bad omen with the month of December. We were hit again & this time much harder. My daughter Elizette & another dear brother of mine Diego. At this point I really broke down. I wasn't sure what I was doing wrong as a human being that I deserved such a horrible loss. I did loose myself for about a month or two wondering why I had to go through so much suffering. I almost wanted to just give up on life. Within our religion it's believed that we are granted our kids to be able to teach them of God & guide them within his footsteps. When I lost my daughter it made me feel as if I was failing as a mother maybe that's why she was no longer with me. It honestly hurt to know that I was no longer able to have her here on earth with me. Right now I am trying to get myself to strengthen my own Faith. I know that I'm not perfect and I am striving to be a much better mother, daughter, sister, and friend. Life can get overwhelming at times especially when we're faced with challenges. All I can say is that when we face those challenges no matter how strong your Faith might be we might feel a little lost. Just know that what I've learned is that we are never alone if anything I know God hears our prayers. When you feel the need to reach out to him do it. Not just to ask for things but also to be thankful. When the accident struck our home I forgot to give thanks at the fact that the outcome could've been much worse. At that point I was thankful to know that we were being looked after. My Faith also grew when the whole community without knowing us joined forces to gather stuff for us. To see how big of a community out pour of caring for our family was amazing. The fact that we were and are never alone through this difficult time is a blessing in itself. Thank you to all friends and family for always being there. Those simple checking in on us to see how we're doing are a blessing to us. To my friends and family I want to ask how are you guys doing? If there's ever anything you need feel free to come to me. I know life can get busy and we don't reach out as often but know I am here for each and everyone of you no matter what. Have a blessed Sunday.

Difficult changes

This post has to do with the question of: What do you now find difficult to do that you didn't before you lost your child? I'm sure just like every family everyone has a particular bedtime routine. Well I considered myself horrible at bedtimes because we wouldn't and still don't have a set time in which we had to be in bed by. The one thing which even up to this day I find so hard to do is read my boys a bedtime story. It used to be such an enjoyable family moment where we would all lay in bed together and share that time together. Every night either Elizette or Enrique would choose a book out of the many we had & we would read. I still remember during the week that we were staying in the hospital we slept in a hotel one night. I remember Enrique handing me a book & asking me to read it. Even before he asked I could feel my eyes fill with tears & all I could do was hug him & cry. That had become our routine & his feeling of safety or normality. That night I just remember telling him that I was sorry but I couldn't read the story. I told him we could look through the pictures and see what it was about. I try my best to push myself to get back into this routine,but for now it is an obstacle that I haven't yet been able to overcome. One other thing which has been very difficult for me to enjoy doing now that I used to enjoy before is birthday parties. I remember there was so much excitement and hard work being put into all the ideas. Making candy bags was a process like if we had our candy bag factory. We would line up all the candies and form a line & we would just send the bag down the line with everybody putting one to two candies into the bag. We would finish so fast & it was so much fun to do this as a family. Just to see the excitement in their faces was amazing. It was not an easy task when Ethan's birthday came around to gather the strength to celebrate a birthday party. It wasn't an easy task to do especially when they cancelled the use of the community room the week of the party. I am glad to say I was able to get through that obstacle & just in the blink of an eye am now faced with planning another birthday party soon. My kids have and will always be my pride & joy this is why I am trying so hard to be strong through these difficult obstacles that I'm faced with. Enjoy the little things in life because they will bring you the greatest joy. Kids want and need our time and undivided attention they are not interested in the latest trend toy as much as making memories with their parents. Love your kids & enjoy whatever routine or special bonding time you've created with them. They will always love thinking back to those memories. 

The Little losses...

So they say the when you lose a child you have several little losses and boy is it true. Brace yourselves because I feel that this might be one of my longer posts. There are a significant amount of little losses that I don't even know where to start. I will start with the first loss we had to go through. I lost the chance to see my daughter graduate from Kindergarten, an event she was so anxiously waiting. She always wanted to be in first grade just like her cousin Katelyn. I never got to see her smile as she was called to graduate. On this tough day I took graduation balloons to all her classmates. I know she was very proud of their hard work. With tears in my eyes and a knot in my throat I stood as each & every one of her classmates received their diplomas. I was wishfully thinking that I might see her or have her be called & she would be there, but that wasn't the case. Another loss is just the simple fact of having a daughter. Never in a million years did I think I would be a mom of only boys. I adore my two boys,but having a girl is something so different it's unexplainable. I don't have someone to sit on the sink counter as I do my makeup watching so closely because she's so intrigued and amazed at what you like to do. I lost the chance to be able to dress her up and do her hair as picture day at school approached. She loved when we would go shopping for that perfect dress or outfit & she adored to have her hair curled on picture days. I remember when we went to Mexico in summer of 2016 I chose to get my hair permed & she hated it. When she eventually talked to me and I asked her why she was so upset about me wanting curly hair her answer simply was "Now my hair doesn't look like yours." She was so worried that we didn't look the same anymore. I lost the chance to see my daughter go through elementary, middle, & highschool. Those vital years in which you have to put up with tantrums, school dances, and the most expected of all prom. I will never have the chance to help her buy the perfect prom dress and share in her excitement as prom night approached. I lost the chance to see her fall in love & want to spend the rest of her life with a special partner. The chance to welcome another man into our lives if he was willing to make my daughter the happiest girl ever. I lost the chance to see her grow and expand her horizons in education. She already enjoyed school so much I wish I could've helped her fill out college/university applications to see her become whatever it was that interested her. I lost the chance of having to help her go job hunting, so she could realize that although we loved her so much she still needed to know what hard work was. There's a lot of things that I lost when she passed. All of the little losses also include loosing her laughs, hugs, kisses, tantrums, sass, attitude, & most importantly her physical presence. She was the sweetest ever. I didn't have to tell her I was having a rough day she could just know & she'd walk up to me and say "Mommy I love you so much" as she wrapped her arms around my neck to give me a kiss on the cheek. The one thing she told me in that month of December which I will always hold close to my heart had to due with a situation we were facing as a family. She knew it was hard on me to be a recent single mother. It takes a toll on you no matter how hard you try to hide it. One night she knew something was off and she came over to me and said "Mom, don't worry I will always be by your side." I honestly never knew how much meaning those words would have to me not only at that moment, but now for an eternity. I know she is always by my side even though I still wish I had her here physically. So to all the parents out there enjoy those special moments you can still share with each and every one of your kids.