There have been several things which I have learned about myself while going through this tough loss. I want to go back to the beginning of December which was when I actually encountered my first loss. In the beginning of the month my picture perfect family was no more. The person who I gave the best of myself for ten years was no longer there. At this moment I honestly felt as if there was no possible way to keep going. How was I going to get by raising my three kids on my own. I was in denial for a few weeks thinking that things might change. I still had hope that my family would eventually come together the way I always wanted. Towards the middle of the month I was faced with the most heartbreaking questions every night from Elizette in regards to the separation. I told her numerous amounts of times that regardless if her parents where together or not we both loved her so much & she understood. It was so heartbreaking to see her own personality change in just that short month. My once social and friendly butterfly started changing into a quiet and isolated little girl. She was hurting from the same situation as I was. Then came the worst day of my life. The day which changed my life into a never ending nightmare. Wishing I could go back even if it was to the previous twenty four hours before the accident. To see that I am still standing and trying to survive the loss of my daughter is a miracle in itself. I have proved to myself that I am definitely a much stronger person than I believed myself to be. I have also learned to start loving myself again. Through the time I was married to when I had kids I realized I had lost some character traits which made me be different. So in these past nine months I've tried to regain my self love. Look into the things which make me be genuinely happy. Things which interest me and are beneficial without disregarding the fact that I am still a mother. One thing which I am very proud of starting back up is my schooling. I had put my school on hold since I had Elizette and I am halfway through with my CNA course. I am very excited to finally start on the journey to my dream job. It is a bittersweet feeling as I would have wished to share this accomplishment with all my children. I know that Elizette is cheering me on and anxiously waiting to see me accomplish one of my many goals. I know this journey will not be easy but I have already amazed myself in how strong I am learning to be. Yes, it is a process of learning. A process to learn how to keep going & how to find meaning in even the slightest of things. A process of taking all the hard tribulations as lessons learned and a process of making the best of every day. We never know how much time we have here on earth. If there's something we want in our lives we need to make the necessary adjustments to be able to accomplish those goals. I know I will make all my children proud as I try to better myself each and every day not just for them but for myself as well. Love yourselves so that you may be able to love others.
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