Legacy...

Hey guys so I know I've been MIA for a while but now I'm back. With my schedule being so busy I end up so tired at night but I've had several ideas for writing prompts that I need to get back to it. First off lets start off asking what legacy will you be leaving behind of yourself & for your loved ones?  Have you guys ever thought what will I be remembered for? What will those last words sitting on your grave marker reflect about you. Well I came across this thought thinking of how things change. Family changes and so do traditions that you once had. Well let me tell you that if you want to see something changed or different sometimes you have to be the one to start that change. I remember when I was younger all our family would have big parties every holiday and we would run around and play with all our cousins all day & night. Now it's a rare occasion in which we all reunite. Our kids hardly know some of their cousins and I do not like that at all. There has to be a change right there. Something must be done so that tradition of unity among our family can remain strong. I want to be remembered as a dedicated mother, no matter what I do I will always put my kids feelings & best interest first. I love my family and I hope to make them proud one day. I will try my best to be the best person that I can not only for my kids but for myself as well. I want to be considered a great friend. If anyone is ever in need or needs a shoulder to lean on I want them to be able to think of me. I will be there no matter the time of day I will be available to listen to any worries or to give any advice. I'm glad to say that for the five short years Elizette was born she had such an impact that even to this day I am amazed at how many people's lives she touched. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her presence, but it goes to show that even little children can have such a big impact on people's lives. Big or small people everywhere that had the chance  to meet her and interact with her always had good things to say about her. I know that I will try my best to raise my boys to be gentlemen and good citizens for this world. I may not always succeed but I will never give up on them no matter what.

Unanswered questions...

What unanswered questions, if any, do you have about your child's passing?
I have so many unanswered questions that I don't even know where to start. First off is if she suffered during her death I can't imagine what she must've felt. I often question if I could have done more to help her. I wonder what the actual cause of the fire was. We never got a concrete answer of what started the fire that morning. I question if we would have stayed up longer if we would all have gotten out safe. It's still crazy to think that we had only been sleeping for two hours before the fire broke out. I myself often wonder why I was the first one to wake up especially since I'm the heaviest sleeper out of our family. Although that has now changed since the accident. I also wonder if we had woken up sooner or reacted differently if the outcome would have been different. There are so many unanswered questions & sometimes thinking about them all is no good for me. It puts me back into that night makes me feel the same panic & worry all over again. It makes me feel like a failure for not being able to withstand the smoke to help them get out to safety. I know I did everything I could but sometimes I wonder if I would have gone past the person holding me back if I would have been successful in rescuing my baby girl. So many questions that I will never know the answers to. These questions might haunt me for a while if I let them. I try not think about that night but rather the days before the accident. After the accident I'm trying to cope as best as I can with life. It's sad to say that one has been traumatized with that incident. The smell of fire hits my nose and the first alert is to rush to my kids and make sure I can protect them. I know my life along with that of my children and family will never be the same.

Finding joy...

What things are you still able to find joy in?

In all honesty I still find joy in all our memories & times shared as a family. There are alot of things in which we all did as a family along with my siblings. Although at times it hits me hard to realize that her vivacious personality is definitely missed I know she is there with us. I find joy in sharing her life stories with others. Sharing stories that only we would know. Or even in listening to stories that others would shade about her to us. Just this past week an old classmate shared with me that where she works she works with students that went to Elizettes school and one student shared to her that she was missing Elizette but she knew she was an angel and taking care of everyone at Felicita school. She then went on to tell me that the student said she missed how Elizette always made her feel better no matter what and her kindness. This brought tears to my eyes but at that moment she made me so proud to be her mom. To know that my daughter made such an impact on someone and left behind her kindness and being able to make people feel good. Stories like that bring me joy. Also watching old videos in which I can hear her laugh or see her smile bring me joy. Many would think it's painful to watch but no I love looking back at all the memories we made together. At times when I see a butterfly I am also filled with joy because I often say that it's her watching over me. I see her as the most beautiful butterfly soaring over us and making sure we know that she is there. I find joy in the small things of life and take in every little thing from my kids. Last night I felt as if she was with us as I played with her brothers and the laughter I heard from them I felt as if she was there laughing along with us. It's little things that will slowly ease my grief it won't take it away, but it will make it that much easier to survive her death.
I'm sorry that I haven't been so persistent with writing everyday I promise you all I will get back to it. Enjoy your family this weekend and make unforgettable memories. Live life to the fullest because we only have one life to live.

Hard Days...

Ok so I know that majority of the time I may seem to be fine. There are days where although I carry a smile on my face I am aching in deep pain. Many times it is hard to express your grief by sadness because we are trying to be strong for others. I myself try to remain strong for my kids and my mother. In all honesty for about a month or two I wanted to know nothing or do nothing with anybody. If I had the choice to sleep all day and not even eat I would take it. It was not like that due to the fact that I had my two little boys who depend on me fully. Although I am in a much better place than I was before there are times where I feel like everything is just way too much. As if I am doing and going for everyone else but not because of my desires. There are times where I just want to enjoy my long shower so I can release the tears behind closed doors but that doesn't happen either. Yet I want to thank each and every one of my friends for each text that I receive or direct message to check how I'm doing. I know life is not easy without my baby girl but she makes sure that I'm surrounded by many loving friends so I may never be alone. I know she makes sure to keep her brothers full of energy so I can stay on my toes and alert to keep them busy. My kids are my motivation through it all. Thank you to my friends and family that let me hug & play with your children it helps me so much more than you will ever know. Smile more and judge less because everyone is facing a different struggle in their life each day. Love you all.

Grief response...

Are you doing anything unhealthy in response to grief or are you tempted to?

I'm going to be very honest I have had one rough time in which I resorted to try and drink my problems away. It was no fun at all and nothing I was proud of. I have now realized that by drinking it won't take any problems or stress away. It will just make me not feel or think about them at the moment and that's no help. I have also been tempted to get a tattoo in remembrance of my daughter. I instead am looking into ideas on how to decorate my room to still make her presence be here with us. I know that neither of those things will bring her back so for me it's pointless to go out and do that. Instead I decided to start playing soccer again & I'm keeping myself busy with school & work. I am also staying busy by making sure I take my boys out often to get distracted and tired. I also wanted to let you guys know I will be writing my blog Monday through Friday only so I can focus on my kids on the weekends. I am so busy during the week that I want to dedicate the weekends to them. This past weekend I took them to Lakeshore for a few hours & boy did they love it there. We stopped by the cemetery because to be honest it had been a while since we had been there and it was very nice. On Sunday we listened to conference and ate spaghetti. We then went to the park in the afternoon for my soccer game. It was alot of fun to be back out on the field playing. Our team didn't win but I think we did very well for a group of girls who have never played together. 

Let's be honest....

Ok so in this post I'm going to be brutally honest. Some things you shouldn't do or say to a grieving parent. First off lets go back to January after our accident happened. Going back on school grounds where my daughter attended was very tough for me to do. I had just started to be involved that school year taking on quite a few roles at the school. I had to be back on campus organizing activities due to the fact that I was PTA President at that time. One thing that husrt the most was to see how some people would try so hard to avoid you. I understood that it might be an awkward encounter with someone since the loss was so recent but it was obvious that I made certain people uncomfortable. That was never my intention to have other people walk back down a hallway just so they wouldn't have to acknowledge me. A simple hello or nice to see you would have sufficed. Now that I am working at the school and don't know whether many of the schools new Kindergarten parents know of my situation it's much more relaxing to be able to see all the kids dashing in to school. Second this seriously had me so worked up yesterday, but now I find it quite funny. I was asked how many kids I have I will always have three kids. Well this mom is fairly new to the school so she asked why I had only told get the ages of my two boys. I went on to tell her that my daughter was five when she passed away. After I told her this she went on to ask how recent this loss was and also how we had lost her. I went on to answer that she passed away last year wishing she could stop asking more about the situation. Then I told her our house had actually caught on fire. At this point she has the audacity to ask why I didn't try to get my daughter out of the burning house. My first thought of this was is she really asking me this? Did she think I was just standing there off to the side without wanting to do anything to save her. I'm so glad I was able to maintain my composure and chose to leave. Let me tell you guys please be discrete and considerate when asking about a person's loss. Always put yourself in their shoes. I don't mind people asking me about the situation, but # everything.
On a brighter side of things I wanted to share about my life tight now. Yesterday at school we started our clinical at a facility and boy dies it feel nice to know that you can help someone. I know that the journey of becoming a nurse is not easy but I know that's where my heart belongs. I've said it many times that being a nurse is the most underpaid job yet the most rewarding job ever. Not everyone is made out to be a nurse, but I honestly can't see myself doing anything else. I love helping others so much & know I will get there soon.

A few words...

If I could tell my child something, I would tell him/her...

Wow, honestly it's more like what wouldn't I tell her. First off I would tell her how much I miss her presence here on Earth. I would remind her that she is still and will always be my princess no matter what. I would tell her that even though I laugh & smile it will never be the complete laugh or smile like when she was here on earth with me. I want her to know that she is an amazing part of me. I will forever be grateful that she chose me to be her mother. I want to tell her sorry for not being able to protect her. I know that she can see how I beat myself up for that everyday or whenever I think back to that day. She knows I tried my best to look for her for as long as I could. I'm just so horribly sorry that I couldn't find you. I would tell her that I'm sorry the family she once knew was no more but that both of us still love her so much. I would let her know that all of her friends miss her so much. They ask me about her and want to know when she'll be back. If only I was able to tell them that you would return. I want her to know that she is so smart and that I will be making her proud by the choices I make each and every day. She is my princess and no matter what happens in this lifetime whether I have more kids or choose to marry again you will always be a part of my life. There are no words to tell you how much I love you and adore you. If you can visit every now and then so I know you miss me too I'd appreciate it. I miss your contagious laugh and that amazing smile you had. Every single thing about you I miss. Most importantly I miss our friendship our late night talks or when we would be walking home from school. You would tell me everything about how your day went and what you did at school. I miss you more than you will ever know. Just remember that we all love you and tell your uncle's that we miss them too. I want them to take good care of you and let them know I love them. Hope to see you soon in my dreams baby girl. You will always be my princess.