Holidays...

Honestly this month has just started and I already am dreading Christmas time and New Years. I seriously feel so depressed about this whole month. It's so crazy to think that it's already going to be a year without my princess by my side. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her or picture her personality around what we're doing. Thanksgiving we drove up to Arizona it was a very great Thanksgiving with the while family but its si craxy to see how few of us are here. We are such a big family with so much love and the three angels that left us all too soon left a big void in my heart. While we were in Arizona I could just picture her running around playing with her cousins. She loved visiting Arizona and she would always stay awake through the whole five hour drive. We were always welcomed with such open arms that she would always want to go back. I know she was there in spirit making sure we all made good memories. I have came to the realization that you can't rush into a relationship when you are still hirting from the past. No matter how strong others think you are only you as a person know how you truly are feeling. All the pain and sorrow isn't good to be bottled up. Sometimes you just have to let it all out and cry. I honestly wish I can vanish for two months and then resume back with my life as if nothing has happened. My two boys are so excited for Christmas and I can't find it in myself to gather up the strength to be as joyous and excited as them. I honestly feel like I'm Scrooge without the bad attitude but more the feelig of not liking Christmas. I honestly hope you all enjoy amazing family times through the holidays and just remember to love others and tell all your family how much you love them.

Legacy...

Hey guys so I know I've been MIA for a while but now I'm back. With my schedule being so busy I end up so tired at night but I've had several ideas for writing prompts that I need to get back to it. First off lets start off asking what legacy will you be leaving behind of yourself & for your loved ones?  Have you guys ever thought what will I be remembered for? What will those last words sitting on your grave marker reflect about you. Well I came across this thought thinking of how things change. Family changes and so do traditions that you once had. Well let me tell you that if you want to see something changed or different sometimes you have to be the one to start that change. I remember when I was younger all our family would have big parties every holiday and we would run around and play with all our cousins all day & night. Now it's a rare occasion in which we all reunite. Our kids hardly know some of their cousins and I do not like that at all. There has to be a change right there. Something must be done so that tradition of unity among our family can remain strong. I want to be remembered as a dedicated mother, no matter what I do I will always put my kids feelings & best interest first. I love my family and I hope to make them proud one day. I will try my best to be the best person that I can not only for my kids but for myself as well. I want to be considered a great friend. If anyone is ever in need or needs a shoulder to lean on I want them to be able to think of me. I will be there no matter the time of day I will be available to listen to any worries or to give any advice. I'm glad to say that for the five short years Elizette was born she had such an impact that even to this day I am amazed at how many people's lives she touched. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her presence, but it goes to show that even little children can have such a big impact on people's lives. Big or small people everywhere that had the chance  to meet her and interact with her always had good things to say about her. I know that I will try my best to raise my boys to be gentlemen and good citizens for this world. I may not always succeed but I will never give up on them no matter what.

Unanswered questions...

What unanswered questions, if any, do you have about your child's passing?
I have so many unanswered questions that I don't even know where to start. First off is if she suffered during her death I can't imagine what she must've felt. I often question if I could have done more to help her. I wonder what the actual cause of the fire was. We never got a concrete answer of what started the fire that morning. I question if we would have stayed up longer if we would all have gotten out safe. It's still crazy to think that we had only been sleeping for two hours before the fire broke out. I myself often wonder why I was the first one to wake up especially since I'm the heaviest sleeper out of our family. Although that has now changed since the accident. I also wonder if we had woken up sooner or reacted differently if the outcome would have been different. There are so many unanswered questions & sometimes thinking about them all is no good for me. It puts me back into that night makes me feel the same panic & worry all over again. It makes me feel like a failure for not being able to withstand the smoke to help them get out to safety. I know I did everything I could but sometimes I wonder if I would have gone past the person holding me back if I would have been successful in rescuing my baby girl. So many questions that I will never know the answers to. These questions might haunt me for a while if I let them. I try not think about that night but rather the days before the accident. After the accident I'm trying to cope as best as I can with life. It's sad to say that one has been traumatized with that incident. The smell of fire hits my nose and the first alert is to rush to my kids and make sure I can protect them. I know my life along with that of my children and family will never be the same.

Finding joy...

What things are you still able to find joy in?

In all honesty I still find joy in all our memories & times shared as a family. There are alot of things in which we all did as a family along with my siblings. Although at times it hits me hard to realize that her vivacious personality is definitely missed I know she is there with us. I find joy in sharing her life stories with others. Sharing stories that only we would know. Or even in listening to stories that others would shade about her to us. Just this past week an old classmate shared with me that where she works she works with students that went to Elizettes school and one student shared to her that she was missing Elizette but she knew she was an angel and taking care of everyone at Felicita school. She then went on to tell me that the student said she missed how Elizette always made her feel better no matter what and her kindness. This brought tears to my eyes but at that moment she made me so proud to be her mom. To know that my daughter made such an impact on someone and left behind her kindness and being able to make people feel good. Stories like that bring me joy. Also watching old videos in which I can hear her laugh or see her smile bring me joy. Many would think it's painful to watch but no I love looking back at all the memories we made together. At times when I see a butterfly I am also filled with joy because I often say that it's her watching over me. I see her as the most beautiful butterfly soaring over us and making sure we know that she is there. I find joy in the small things of life and take in every little thing from my kids. Last night I felt as if she was with us as I played with her brothers and the laughter I heard from them I felt as if she was there laughing along with us. It's little things that will slowly ease my grief it won't take it away, but it will make it that much easier to survive her death.
I'm sorry that I haven't been so persistent with writing everyday I promise you all I will get back to it. Enjoy your family this weekend and make unforgettable memories. Live life to the fullest because we only have one life to live.

Hard Days...

Ok so I know that majority of the time I may seem to be fine. There are days where although I carry a smile on my face I am aching in deep pain. Many times it is hard to express your grief by sadness because we are trying to be strong for others. I myself try to remain strong for my kids and my mother. In all honesty for about a month or two I wanted to know nothing or do nothing with anybody. If I had the choice to sleep all day and not even eat I would take it. It was not like that due to the fact that I had my two little boys who depend on me fully. Although I am in a much better place than I was before there are times where I feel like everything is just way too much. As if I am doing and going for everyone else but not because of my desires. There are times where I just want to enjoy my long shower so I can release the tears behind closed doors but that doesn't happen either. Yet I want to thank each and every one of my friends for each text that I receive or direct message to check how I'm doing. I know life is not easy without my baby girl but she makes sure that I'm surrounded by many loving friends so I may never be alone. I know she makes sure to keep her brothers full of energy so I can stay on my toes and alert to keep them busy. My kids are my motivation through it all. Thank you to my friends and family that let me hug & play with your children it helps me so much more than you will ever know. Smile more and judge less because everyone is facing a different struggle in their life each day. Love you all.

Grief response...

Are you doing anything unhealthy in response to grief or are you tempted to?

I'm going to be very honest I have had one rough time in which I resorted to try and drink my problems away. It was no fun at all and nothing I was proud of. I have now realized that by drinking it won't take any problems or stress away. It will just make me not feel or think about them at the moment and that's no help. I have also been tempted to get a tattoo in remembrance of my daughter. I instead am looking into ideas on how to decorate my room to still make her presence be here with us. I know that neither of those things will bring her back so for me it's pointless to go out and do that. Instead I decided to start playing soccer again & I'm keeping myself busy with school & work. I am also staying busy by making sure I take my boys out often to get distracted and tired. I also wanted to let you guys know I will be writing my blog Monday through Friday only so I can focus on my kids on the weekends. I am so busy during the week that I want to dedicate the weekends to them. This past weekend I took them to Lakeshore for a few hours & boy did they love it there. We stopped by the cemetery because to be honest it had been a while since we had been there and it was very nice. On Sunday we listened to conference and ate spaghetti. We then went to the park in the afternoon for my soccer game. It was alot of fun to be back out on the field playing. Our team didn't win but I think we did very well for a group of girls who have never played together. 

Let's be honest....

Ok so in this post I'm going to be brutally honest. Some things you shouldn't do or say to a grieving parent. First off lets go back to January after our accident happened. Going back on school grounds where my daughter attended was very tough for me to do. I had just started to be involved that school year taking on quite a few roles at the school. I had to be back on campus organizing activities due to the fact that I was PTA President at that time. One thing that husrt the most was to see how some people would try so hard to avoid you. I understood that it might be an awkward encounter with someone since the loss was so recent but it was obvious that I made certain people uncomfortable. That was never my intention to have other people walk back down a hallway just so they wouldn't have to acknowledge me. A simple hello or nice to see you would have sufficed. Now that I am working at the school and don't know whether many of the schools new Kindergarten parents know of my situation it's much more relaxing to be able to see all the kids dashing in to school. Second this seriously had me so worked up yesterday, but now I find it quite funny. I was asked how many kids I have I will always have three kids. Well this mom is fairly new to the school so she asked why I had only told get the ages of my two boys. I went on to tell her that my daughter was five when she passed away. After I told her this she went on to ask how recent this loss was and also how we had lost her. I went on to answer that she passed away last year wishing she could stop asking more about the situation. Then I told her our house had actually caught on fire. At this point she has the audacity to ask why I didn't try to get my daughter out of the burning house. My first thought of this was is she really asking me this? Did she think I was just standing there off to the side without wanting to do anything to save her. I'm so glad I was able to maintain my composure and chose to leave. Let me tell you guys please be discrete and considerate when asking about a person's loss. Always put yourself in their shoes. I don't mind people asking me about the situation, but # everything.
On a brighter side of things I wanted to share about my life tight now. Yesterday at school we started our clinical at a facility and boy dies it feel nice to know that you can help someone. I know that the journey of becoming a nurse is not easy but I know that's where my heart belongs. I've said it many times that being a nurse is the most underpaid job yet the most rewarding job ever. Not everyone is made out to be a nurse, but I honestly can't see myself doing anything else. I love helping others so much & know I will get there soon.

A few words...

If I could tell my child something, I would tell him/her...

Wow, honestly it's more like what wouldn't I tell her. First off I would tell her how much I miss her presence here on Earth. I would remind her that she is still and will always be my princess no matter what. I would tell her that even though I laugh & smile it will never be the complete laugh or smile like when she was here on earth with me. I want her to know that she is an amazing part of me. I will forever be grateful that she chose me to be her mother. I want to tell her sorry for not being able to protect her. I know that she can see how I beat myself up for that everyday or whenever I think back to that day. She knows I tried my best to look for her for as long as I could. I'm just so horribly sorry that I couldn't find you. I would tell her that I'm sorry the family she once knew was no more but that both of us still love her so much. I would let her know that all of her friends miss her so much. They ask me about her and want to know when she'll be back. If only I was able to tell them that you would return. I want her to know that she is so smart and that I will be making her proud by the choices I make each and every day. She is my princess and no matter what happens in this lifetime whether I have more kids or choose to marry again you will always be a part of my life. There are no words to tell you how much I love you and adore you. If you can visit every now and then so I know you miss me too I'd appreciate it. I miss your contagious laugh and that amazing smile you had. Every single thing about you I miss. Most importantly I miss our friendship our late night talks or when we would be walking home from school. You would tell me everything about how your day went and what you did at school. I miss you more than you will ever know. Just remember that we all love you and tell your uncle's that we miss them too. I want them to take good care of you and let them know I love them. Hope to see you soon in my dreams baby girl. You will always be my princess.

Being thankful...

What have you been thankful for during your grief?

There are so many things to be thankful for through all of this difficult loss. I am honestly scared to forget something. First off thankful for Miles our neighbor who without question started up a gofund me account. Even though he ran the risk of being talked bad about he was just looking out for our well being. Sorry for what you had to go through with the bashing of your character. We know you are a kind & caring person. We know that you did it out of the kindness of your heart & we are very thankful for this. The firefighters and police that arrived to do their best in the worst situation. The officer who put up with me and my breakdown as they broke the news to me. I want to say thank you and I'm sorry if I was so hard to deal with. The officer who without hesitation went into the home to look for our beloved family memebers. Thank you for risking your own life at the cost of saving our own family. Thank you to the firefighters who after a week of us being displaced they came to express their condolences to our family. I am very thankful for all our friends & family who never left our side. Throughout the hospital stay and even up until now they haven't left our side. Thank you so much for letting us know that we are never alone. It has definitely been such a struggle. To the Banks family who without question has always been there for us. We are forever thankful to have you in our lifes. Amazing Carbajal family who was able to open their home for my family without hesitation. They have always been such a positive impact for my kids. I will always have a special place dor them in our lives. For each and every person who made it out to the funeral thank you for your support. Thank you to everyone who shared a special memory with Elizette and for loving her so much. She felt so much love from everyone and I feel that is why she was able to be such a happy girl. Thank you all for being there for me. Most importantly I want to thank my parents and my family. Although we have each encountered a loss my mother is such a strong person. She has been and still is my rock. I honestly don't know what or where I would be without her. She has been my sole supporter from day one. She is the one who keeps encouraging me to better myself and to try and find that motivation to keep going. She's seen me at my all time low and I hope that she will be by my side once I reach my high. I know she thinks I get tired of being with her twenty four seven, but I love being with her. She means more than the world to me. To my Dad who has always been there for us. He is a man of little words but I know he loves us so much. To my sisters thank you for being there for me. I am very thankful to have you guys next to my side in my hardest time. I know this loss was hard on you guys just as much as it was for me. I want you guys to know that Elizette loved you guys so much. Liz thank you for always welcoming us in Arizona with open arms. She enjoyed every trip we made out there. Thank you Betty for every memory you let us make with Benjamin. You know she always said that he was her brother. She looked after him just as if he was her brother. We love you guys so much. Angie thank you for always sharing good memories with her. I know she enjoyed doing your makeup. For letting her do your hair and playing dress up with her. Also thank you for letting her takeover your Snapchat and camera with her always wanting to take pictures. Danny thank you for putting up with Elizettes tantrums. Also thank you for putting up with my kids now. I know they're not easy but you deal with their craziness. I also want to thank Felipe although we weren't together at the moment it was a big loss for both of us. Thank you for being there for us. The kids really needed you at that time and you were there. I love each and every one of you so much. If you are ever in need for anything please feel free to ask. I am always here.

Worries...

Do you have any new fears or worries since you lost your child?

I honestly do have several new fears/worries. My worst fear is that I might end up loosing another one of my children. I honestly think the loss of a child is one of the worst pains you have to go through as a parent. I had always heard that a parent shouldn't have to bury their child & honestly I doubt the pain is any less the other way around. Death in it's own is a heartache. I also fear that we might be sleeping and have another emergency. Sleep was very hard the first few weeks I would sleep about three hours if that. I would be so scared to fall asleep & there be an emergency and I would wake up too late. Even now there's days in which I sleep more because I have to not because I want to. I also often worry for my children. I worry that since they are so young they have all these built up questions about everything but don't know how to ask about their concerns. I know that they miss their sister alot. I also worry now about the financial hardship after death. I know it's something that many people don't like to talk about but I am starting to look into paying off a spot at the cemetery. Looking into making funeral arrangements because I do not want my loved ones to be left with that debt in their hands. It is a scary subject but it's not something we can avoid so I choose to be more prepared for my future heartbreak. I love you all and thanks for following along.

In Rememberance....

What would you like your friends and family to do to honor and remember your child?

One big lesson I learned from being Elizette's mom was how she never saw any bad in people. She always looked at the good from everybody. I want everyone to enjoy the little things. Don't over think it but enjoy the rushed mornings when it's time for school. Enjoy the tantrums while it's time to do your kids hair. Enjoy every single moment you spend with your child. I know I did enjoy everything. I can honestly say that I would put up with every single tantrum just to have her here with me. I know it won't happen but I seriously miss her so much. Always try to look for the good in other people don't focus so much on the bad. I know she always thought the world was so amazing. I am very thankful that she doesn't have to grow up in such a scary & mean world. I want you guys to try & not live in such a rushed state. Sometimes we just have to stop what we're doing and enjoy the craziness or giggles going on with our kids. Take pictures don't be afraid to capture the good with the bad. Looking back at pictures makes you feel as if you were there in the moment. I am very thankful for the fact that just like I loved taking pictures so did Elizette. I have amazing pictures to look at both good and bad. I am ok with that because that was our lives and I love the life we lived. When you think of Poppy from Trolls that's what my Elizette was like. I love her so much.

My Faith...

This post has to do with my Faith. I know for some it's a touchy subject, but I must share. In December of 2014 was when my Faith was put on trial. I can still remember this day as if it was yesterday when I found out that my dear brother had passed away. My heart ached with such tragic news I didn't want to believe it. My first thought was "why him?" at that point of his life he was ready to start so many new ventures with cooking. As a family we remained strong and firm within our Faith because we knew for a fact that we would see him again. Fast forward to December of 2016 and boy was my Faith put on trial even more. Despite the fact that we already had a bad omen with the month of December. We were hit again & this time much harder. My daughter Elizette & another dear brother of mine Diego. At this point I really broke down. I wasn't sure what I was doing wrong as a human being that I deserved such a horrible loss. I did loose myself for about a month or two wondering why I had to go through so much suffering. I almost wanted to just give up on life. Within our religion it's believed that we are granted our kids to be able to teach them of God & guide them within his footsteps. When I lost my daughter it made me feel as if I was failing as a mother maybe that's why she was no longer with me. It honestly hurt to know that I was no longer able to have her here on earth with me. Right now I am trying to get myself to strengthen my own Faith. I know that I'm not perfect and I am striving to be a much better mother, daughter, sister, and friend. Life can get overwhelming at times especially when we're faced with challenges. All I can say is that when we face those challenges no matter how strong your Faith might be we might feel a little lost. Just know that what I've learned is that we are never alone if anything I know God hears our prayers. When you feel the need to reach out to him do it. Not just to ask for things but also to be thankful. When the accident struck our home I forgot to give thanks at the fact that the outcome could've been much worse. At that point I was thankful to know that we were being looked after. My Faith also grew when the whole community without knowing us joined forces to gather stuff for us. To see how big of a community out pour of caring for our family was amazing. The fact that we were and are never alone through this difficult time is a blessing in itself. Thank you to all friends and family for always being there. Those simple checking in on us to see how we're doing are a blessing to us. To my friends and family I want to ask how are you guys doing? If there's ever anything you need feel free to come to me. I know life can get busy and we don't reach out as often but know I am here for each and everyone of you no matter what. Have a blessed Sunday.

Difficult changes

This post has to do with the question of: What do you now find difficult to do that you didn't before you lost your child? I'm sure just like every family everyone has a particular bedtime routine. Well I considered myself horrible at bedtimes because we wouldn't and still don't have a set time in which we had to be in bed by. The one thing which even up to this day I find so hard to do is read my boys a bedtime story. It used to be such an enjoyable family moment where we would all lay in bed together and share that time together. Every night either Elizette or Enrique would choose a book out of the many we had & we would read. I still remember during the week that we were staying in the hospital we slept in a hotel one night. I remember Enrique handing me a book & asking me to read it. Even before he asked I could feel my eyes fill with tears & all I could do was hug him & cry. That had become our routine & his feeling of safety or normality. That night I just remember telling him that I was sorry but I couldn't read the story. I told him we could look through the pictures and see what it was about. I try my best to push myself to get back into this routine,but for now it is an obstacle that I haven't yet been able to overcome. One other thing which has been very difficult for me to enjoy doing now that I used to enjoy before is birthday parties. I remember there was so much excitement and hard work being put into all the ideas. Making candy bags was a process like if we had our candy bag factory. We would line up all the candies and form a line & we would just send the bag down the line with everybody putting one to two candies into the bag. We would finish so fast & it was so much fun to do this as a family. Just to see the excitement in their faces was amazing. It was not an easy task when Ethan's birthday came around to gather the strength to celebrate a birthday party. It wasn't an easy task to do especially when they cancelled the use of the community room the week of the party. I am glad to say I was able to get through that obstacle & just in the blink of an eye am now faced with planning another birthday party soon. My kids have and will always be my pride & joy this is why I am trying so hard to be strong through these difficult obstacles that I'm faced with. Enjoy the little things in life because they will bring you the greatest joy. Kids want and need our time and undivided attention they are not interested in the latest trend toy as much as making memories with their parents. Love your kids & enjoy whatever routine or special bonding time you've created with them. They will always love thinking back to those memories. 

Personal Growth

There have been several things which I have learned about myself while going through this tough loss. I want to go back to the beginning of December which was when I actually encountered my first loss. In the beginning of the month my picture perfect family was no more. The person who I gave the best of myself for ten years was no longer there. At this moment I honestly felt as if there was no possible way to keep going. How was I going to get by raising my three kids on my own. I was in denial for a few weeks thinking that things might change. I still had hope that my family would eventually come together the way I always wanted. Towards the middle of the month I was faced with the most heartbreaking questions every night from Elizette in regards to the separation. I told her numerous amounts of times that regardless if her parents where together or not we both loved her so much & she understood. It was so heartbreaking to see her own personality change in just that short month. My once social and friendly butterfly started changing into a quiet and isolated little girl. She was hurting from the same situation as I was. Then came the worst day of my life. The day which changed my life into a never ending nightmare. Wishing I could go back even if it was to the previous twenty four hours before the accident. To see that I am still standing and trying to survive the loss of my daughter is a miracle in itself. I have proved to myself that I am definitely a much stronger person than I believed myself to be. I have also learned to start loving myself again. Through the time I was married to when I had kids I realized I had lost some character traits which made me be different. So in these past nine months I've tried to regain my self love. Look into the things which make me be genuinely happy. Things which interest me and are beneficial without disregarding the fact that I am still a mother. One thing which I am very proud of starting back up is my schooling. I had put my school on hold since I had Elizette and I am halfway through with my CNA course. I am very excited to finally start on the journey to my dream job. It is a bittersweet feeling as I would have wished to share this accomplishment with all my children. I know that Elizette is cheering me on and anxiously waiting to see me accomplish one of my many goals. I know this journey will not be easy but I have already amazed myself in how strong I am learning to be. Yes, it is a process of learning. A process to learn how to keep going & how to find meaning in even the slightest of things. A process of taking all the hard tribulations as lessons learned and a process of making the best of every day. We never know how much time we have here on earth. If there's something we want in our lives we need to make the necessary adjustments to be able to accomplish those goals. I know I will make all my children proud as I try to better myself each and every day not just for them but for myself as well. Love yourselves so that you may be able to love others. 

The Little losses...

So they say the when you lose a child you have several little losses and boy is it true. Brace yourselves because I feel that this might be one of my longer posts. There are a significant amount of little losses that I don't even know where to start. I will start with the first loss we had to go through. I lost the chance to see my daughter graduate from Kindergarten, an event she was so anxiously waiting. She always wanted to be in first grade just like her cousin Katelyn. I never got to see her smile as she was called to graduate. On this tough day I took graduation balloons to all her classmates. I know she was very proud of their hard work. With tears in my eyes and a knot in my throat I stood as each & every one of her classmates received their diplomas. I was wishfully thinking that I might see her or have her be called & she would be there, but that wasn't the case. Another loss is just the simple fact of having a daughter. Never in a million years did I think I would be a mom of only boys. I adore my two boys,but having a girl is something so different it's unexplainable. I don't have someone to sit on the sink counter as I do my makeup watching so closely because she's so intrigued and amazed at what you like to do. I lost the chance to be able to dress her up and do her hair as picture day at school approached. She loved when we would go shopping for that perfect dress or outfit & she adored to have her hair curled on picture days. I remember when we went to Mexico in summer of 2016 I chose to get my hair permed & she hated it. When she eventually talked to me and I asked her why she was so upset about me wanting curly hair her answer simply was "Now my hair doesn't look like yours." She was so worried that we didn't look the same anymore. I lost the chance to see my daughter go through elementary, middle, & highschool. Those vital years in which you have to put up with tantrums, school dances, and the most expected of all prom. I will never have the chance to help her buy the perfect prom dress and share in her excitement as prom night approached. I lost the chance to see her fall in love & want to spend the rest of her life with a special partner. The chance to welcome another man into our lives if he was willing to make my daughter the happiest girl ever. I lost the chance to see her grow and expand her horizons in education. She already enjoyed school so much I wish I could've helped her fill out college/university applications to see her become whatever it was that interested her. I lost the chance of having to help her go job hunting, so she could realize that although we loved her so much she still needed to know what hard work was. There's a lot of things that I lost when she passed. All of the little losses also include loosing her laughs, hugs, kisses, tantrums, sass, attitude, & most importantly her physical presence. She was the sweetest ever. I didn't have to tell her I was having a rough day she could just know & she'd walk up to me and say "Mommy I love you so much" as she wrapped her arms around my neck to give me a kiss on the cheek. The one thing she told me in that month of December which I will always hold close to my heart had to due with a situation we were facing as a family. She knew it was hard on me to be a recent single mother. It takes a toll on you no matter how hard you try to hide it. One night she knew something was off and she came over to me and said "Mom, don't worry I will always be by your side." I honestly never knew how much meaning those words would have to me not only at that moment, but now for an eternity. I know she is always by my side even though I still wish I had her here physically. So to all the parents out there enjoy those special moments you can still share with each and every one of your kids.

Choosing a fitting name...

So when I first found out I was pregnant I was filled with a lot and I mean ALOT of mixed emotions. I was very young & worried about what everyone would think, especially the disappointment my parents would feel. Well it was a very difficult time to let everyone know I was pregnant. Once we all adjusted to the fact that this baby was coming no matter what the situation was we realized it was a blessing in disguise. Now when we found out it was a little girl boy was Elizette's father ecstatic. She had him wrapped around his finger from birth (that's a separate story on it's own). When Elizette's father and I sat down to decide on a name we both quickly agreed we wanted her name to be very unique. A name that we didn't hear often or possibly had never heard before. Something that she would eventually be able to put her personality into. At that moment we were struggling as a couple but I always saw that becoming a mother would be a blessing in disguise. I would always say that we could always "HOPE" for better days. I was set in having Elizette's middle name be Hope. Since I chose the middle name that left her dad to pick the first name. He had always liked the names Elizabeth and Lizeth. Out of the blue one day he said what if we name her Elizette. I turned to him in awe and said where'd you find that name. He then went along to tell me how he combined a bit of both of the names. I loved the uniqueness of the name and agreed. So we decided to name our first born daughter Elizette Hope Orozco. For those of you that had the great chance of meeting her I'm 100% certain that she filled that name with all the sass and attitude she could. That name fit her perfectly to a tee. She will always continue to be my "HOPE" for better days even more so now that she's not here with me.

Hello

Hello my name is Sandra Flores. I am starting this blog as a form/way to release my grief. I will be blogging every single day to a certain question/prompt. I am hoping that this blog can help any other grieving parents or family members. Let me begin by giving a little information of myself. At this moment I am a single mom of two boys who live & my daughter who passed last year. My two boys are Ethan who is two years old, Enrique who is four years old, and my daughter Elizette was five years old when she passed. Currently my life during the week is very hectic I work and go to school aside from taking care of my two boys. I am twenty-six years old and I'm hoping to be a Registered Nurse in the near future. I hope you enjoy this blog and if you ever have questions feel free to ask and I will always answer them before my next post.